Don’t Rewind my Cassette

Nostalgia makes me nauseous. I cannot listen to late 80s music without my bile rising. When I see old friends we don’t go over stories anymore which is a real relief. I don’t want to reminisce; I don’t like to be reminded of what I did when I was too young to care, or even what I did last week. I can just about cope with myself in the current moment. Even a month ago I was a fool. I’d be much better in hindsight, on reflection. Which I suppose is the affliction of any extrovert; we do like to dive in. And so my life is made up of Homeric ‘Doh’ moments. 

 

Partly why I don’t want to look over my shoulder is because of the other possibilities. There are a million other paths I could have taken and that also makes me feel sick. When I think of the many worlds theory I like to place myself as an average Kath. But what if I’m one of the worst ones? My life certainly hasn’t followed the fairy tale I planned (Except for the handsome prince and noble hound). Where are my wings; my magical powers, my cat unicorn? These are all fractaling away from me every time I turn right instead of left. I have the same feeling when I look up at the stars; the incredibleness and the meaninglessness.

 

So, I try not to look back. Let’s be in the now instead, in this second, for surely that is the only reality. My Dad talks about pixels of experience making up a life, some happy, some a lot less so, but all tiny, and that philosophy really helps me make sense of things. We are hurtling through time and that’s more giddying and wonderful than the comfort or pain of remembered yesterdays.