Flash: Cataclysm

The cat smiled at me. ‘This is a present for you.’ She flicked the still-twitching bird onto my door mat.

‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ I told her and kicked the offering out the door. I knew I ought to step on the thing to put it out of its misery, but the thought made me wretch.

The cat frowned. ‘You will look after me now.’

‘No,’ I said, shaking my head, ‘I’m more of a dog person.’

The cat tutted and bit the head off the bird. She chewed her mouthful thoughtfully, then said, ‘You wouldn’t have to take me for walks.’

‘Sorry, I’m really not interested.’

She swallowed and craned her head to look past me, ‘It looks warm in there. Warm but lonely.’

The cat’s words felt like a punch. I backed away. She smiled again and pushed the headless bird towards me. I noticed it had stopped twitching.

‘Please leave,’ I said.

She did the opposite and crossed the threshold. The cat sat on the mat. She started cleaning her shoulder, but kept her eyes fixed on me.

‘‘Shoo, shoo!’

The cat actually laughed. ‘Do you really think that works?’

‘You are trespassing.’

‘So arrest me.’

I could feel my breath coming out in gasps. How pathetic was this, intimidated by a cat, in my own kitchen. I looked on the draining board for a suitable weapon.

The cat followed my gaze. ‘Look, I think we’ve got off on the wrong foot. I’m really not that bad; I’m good company.’

‘I know about cats, you’re all aloof and selfish and fussy eaters and well, basically psychopathic.’

‘Sociopathic,’ she corrected me, ‘but I’m one of the friendly ones. Plus I’m not a fussy eater.’ To make the point she burped out a feather and spat it on the door mat.

‘We don’t have anything in common, we would have nothing to talk about.’

‘Do you like birds?’ she asked, pointing at the little corpse.

‘When they’re alive,’ I replied.

‘Oh. Charles Dickens?’

‘Hate him,’ I said, smiling, knowing I had the upper hand.

‘Ah… board games?’

‘Yes…’ I felt a quickening in my chest, ‘I love board games.’

‘So do I!’ she exclaimed. ‘Monopoly and Cluedo and Ludo!’

‘Scrabble and Rummicub and Rapido!’

‘Kerplunk and Jenga and Twister!’

‘Have you ever played Cranium?’ I asked her.

‘No, but I’ve heard it’s brilliant.’

‘I got it for Christmas,’ I said

‘Oh, please can we play a game?’

And that is how I came to have a cat.