Flashish: The Time to Hesitate is Through

I want to be a boy abandoned in the jungle with animal friends. Instead I am a woman abandoned, the wrong side of forty. I walk out the movie theater, wiping crumbs of popcorn off my skirt. My first rebellion. I hum the bear’s tune. A young man walks by; for a second I think it is my son, Jared. I know he’s vanished now but I still let my eyes pretend and follow him crossing the street. I try not to sob.

A car stops at the traffic lights for my not-son. The window is open and a man with a glinting gold tooth and cigar, hangs out the window, watching me.

‘Hey lady, you look sad, have some of my Vegas luck!’ I flinch as he tosses something outta the window. ‘You timid Mormons, you got Paradise down the road, not in the sky.’ I look down at the side walk. It is a die. The lights change and I hear his laughter trailing away as I pick up his peculiar gift. When I unbend myself I’ve lost sight of the boy who is not Jared.
   Hannah-May learnt her reading and writing sitting next to Jared. She was the prettiest girl in his school. Hannah-May chose my husband, or the Lord told her so. Ever obedient to the Lord, my husband has married her. Folks all taken in by her big wide eyes. Why, she’s like the hypnotic snake in the movie, and it’s my stupid husband that’s been ataken in, like that little boy. The corners of the die cut into the curl of my fist

My women friends told me to set Hannah-May to work, to earn her place in the household and wear her out afore bedtime, but to be honest I’ve lost all my fight since Jared left. I can’t be competing with a girl Jared’s age. And my husband, well, I feel the die in my hands, that’s just the luck of the draw.

I just upped and gone AWOL to the movies. I don’t care if they was told to by God, they’re still rutting in my bed, and I’m meant to be happy and okay with that and carry on sweeping the veranda.

I walk awhile and find myself on the Interstate-15. I stand by the road, watching the cars pass, watching the world, watching lost opportunities and wondering if one of these cars was the one that took Jared away. A mustard-gold campervan pulls over. The side door opens and wild music and fragrant smoke unfurls from it. ‘No time to wallow in the mire.’

‘Hey sister, you wanna ride?’

I roll the die.