Flash: Cataclysm

The cat smiled at me. ‘This is a present for you.’ She flicked the still-twitching bird onto my door mat.

‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ I told her and kicked the offering out the door. I knew I ought to step on the thing to put it out of its misery, but the thought made me wretch.

The cat frowned. ‘You will look after me now.’

‘No,’ I said, shaking my head, ‘I’m more of a dog person.’

The cat tutted and bit the head off the bird. She chewed her mouthful thoughtfully, then said, ‘You wouldn’t have to take me for walks.’

‘Sorry, I’m really not interested.’

She swallowed and craned her head to look past me, ‘It looks warm in there. Warm but lonely.’

The cat’s words felt like a punch. I backed away. She smiled again and pushed the headless bird towards me. I noticed it had stopped twitching.

‘Please leave,’ I said.

She did the opposite and crossed the threshold. The cat sat on the mat. She started cleaning her shoulder, but kept her eyes fixed on me.

‘‘Shoo, shoo!’

The cat actually laughed. ‘Do you really think that works?’

‘You are trespassing.’

‘So arrest me.’

I could feel my breath coming out in gasps. How pathetic was this, intimidated by a cat, in my own kitchen. I looked on the draining board for a suitable weapon.

The cat followed my gaze. ‘Look, I think we’ve got off on the wrong foot. I’m really not that bad; I’m good company.’

‘I know about cats, you’re all aloof and selfish and fussy eaters and well, basically psychopathic.’

‘Sociopathic,’ she corrected me, ‘but I’m one of the friendly ones. Plus I’m not a fussy eater.’ To make the point she burped out a feather and spat it on the door mat.

‘We don’t have anything in common, we would have nothing to talk about.’

‘Do you like birds?’ she asked, pointing at the little corpse.

‘When they’re alive,’ I replied.

‘Oh. Charles Dickens?’

‘Hate him,’ I said, smiling, knowing I had the upper hand.

‘Ah… board games?’

‘Yes…’ I felt a quickening in my chest, ‘I love board games.’

‘So do I!’ she exclaimed. ‘Monopoly and Cluedo and Ludo!’

‘Scrabble and Rummicub and Rapido!’

‘Kerplunk and Jenga and Twister!’

‘Have you ever played Cranium?’ I asked her.

‘No, but I’ve heard it’s brilliant.’

‘I got it for Christmas,’ I said

‘Oh, please can we play a game?’

And that is how I came to have a cat.

Inspiration is a Jealous Friend

   ‘Come on, let’s go.’

   ‘No, I’m not playing today.’
   ‘I’m ready though, I’ve cleared this space in my calendar just for you.’
   ‘Woop de doo. You’ve sacrificed your busy schedule for what, two hours, one? How to make someone feel special. What if I don’t feel like it?’
   ‘But, I’ve been looking forward to this all week – ’
   ‘You haven’t wooed me or bought me flowers. You’ve just stuck me in a convenient slot, between appointments.’
   ‘Oh, God I’ve been dreading this all week.’
   ‘You think I’m going to endlessly perform for you, without nourishment, without effort, without love? I’m not some genie in a lamp, always there for you. You can’t forget about me for a fortnight and expect me to be a delight. I have feelings too. I need to be nurtured.’
   ‘I’m sorry.’
   ‘I should be top of your list.’
   ‘I’ve just been busy, work’s hectic and there’s all the Christmas parties and – ’
   ‘Screw parties and definitely screw work. I come first. Now, how are you going to make it up to me?’
   ‘I’m going to write.’
   ‘And?’
   ‘I’m going to draw.’
   ‘And?’
   ‘Dance?’
   ‘And?’
   ‘Urm… sing?’
   ‘I don’t think even I can help you there, I told you I wasn't a genie.’

Lordy, I Love Aleaping!

I run everywhere. People always say, 'Alberforce is always late, always in a hurry.' But they are wrong. I am not ever late, nor am I in a hurry. I just delight in running. Some folk amble, some saunter, some stroll but that low impact is not for me. I want to soar when I move. Alberforce? I should have been called G-force.
And recently my speeds have reached new levels. Now, when I run, I don't always touch the ground. It started with the occasional step, then every few strides and now sometimes I have actual flying flurries. I am a whir, I am a dervish. I am resplendent; a perfect ten in my top hat and airborne tails. Go Alberforce, go!

Flash: I blame Doctor Who

It was not what we expected. Usually we are met with terror, hysteria and panic, sometimes by Heads of State with a formal address. But not often by people clammering to come aboard. They look more like school children, wanting to be door monitor than earthlings about to be invaded.

   ‘Turn your ray gun from disintegrate to stun,’ I tell Brobding, who looks equally confused, his eye stalks expanding.

   ‘Haven’t they heard of anal probes?’ he asks.

   ‘Take me!’ an earthling shouts, jumping up and down.

   ‘No, me!’ another screams.

   These two are the naughty ones; the others just patiently keep their hands in the air, straining skywards. I finger my trigger. I’m really not sure how to proceed.